That's right, I'm a Trophy Wife

From 1989-1993 I had no problem telling people what I do. I'm a Physical Therapist, I would reply with some pride and could then go on and make small talk about where I work, what kinds of patients I work with, if I like what I do...etc.

Then, in 1993 with the birth of my first child, I dropped out of the workforce temporarily to nurture my child in those oh so important early years. I kept up my license and could still tell people I'm a PT but am staying at home for awhile with my child untiland this is where things got tricky, because my until timeline kept chaninging; until she's done nursing, until she starts preschool, when she's in Kindergarten, after grade school...

For about 5 years, I kept telling people I was a PT and planned on returning to work. Then somewhere, around the 6th year of being a stay at home mom, with a 6,5 and 1 year old at home, I thought " who am I kidding?" I am officially a...gasp..STAY AT HOME MOM. NOT a HOUSEWIFE! I'm NOT MARRIED to my HOUSE. And I'm not one of those 1950's mom's either..oh, no...I have OTHER interests besides cooking, cleaning and child rearing. I just don't have time to do anything else at the moment.

Ever since then, I've been trying on new titles for my stay at home status. Here's a few I've tried out:
1) Family Manager
2) Mischief Manager
3) Stay at home everything
4) artist ( hey, I've sold a few things!)
5) entrepreneur ( see above)


None of them seemed to fit for very long.

HOWEVER I think I've come up with a keeper.

Now, when asked what I do I proudly reply, "I'm a Trophy Wife". That ususally shuts the asker right up ( although I strongly suspect that some if not most silently pity the poor man that won me).

Anyway, isn't that a cool piece of art in the above photo?

If you have any great answers to the all too often asked question of what do you do, I'd love to hear your reply.

Teetering on the brink

After being without power for 4 days last week and spending the last several weeks deciding whether we should build on the lot we've had for 2 years ( we've decided to keep trying to sell the lot) I was REALLY, REALLY looking forward to some coffee and gab time with my friend, Deb. Deb and I have so much in common and we actually have intellectually stimulating conversations ( as opposed to the ongoing dialogue about the latest wii game or high school drama I have daily with the kiddos). The truth is, Deb is my ONLY friend. I mean, I have aquaintances and some other moms I make small talk with, but Deb's the only friend I have that I share the down and dirty stuff of life with. I feel somewhat deficient because I only have one friend. I envy the blogs of other women who have several girlfriends that get together regularly. I suspect something about me is deeply flawed and that I am missing out on what every other woman on the planet seems to have. But I digress.

The point of this all is that my coffee times with Deb keep me sane and my sanity is teetering on the edge as of late. So, I was totally stoked about coffee with Deb.

So, OF COURSE, the z-man wakes up this morning and declares that he is TIRED and has a BAD HEADACHE. I tell him in my most nurturing voice " that's too bad, you're going to school, I'm sure you'll feel better". ( You're NOT going to ruin my coffee date).

In the car on the way to school, he's still complaining. I give him half an advil and assure him that he'll feel much better by the time we pull into the school parking lot. ( Please, God, let the advil work)

So, I'm practically pushing the boy out of the van when he appeals to me one final time. I reluctantly kiss his forehead and sure enough the little guy has a fever.

The poor guy is sick and all I care about is my fragile sanity. I very reluctantly and with a bit of resentment bring the boy back home. HE BETTER NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT A REMARKABLE RECOVERY IN A COUPLE OF HOURS. And may god help him if he refuses to take a nap.

Coffee and gab time will have to wait for another day.

Diary of a Power Outage

Day 1
Wind has been picking up all day. Electricity has been flickering on and off. Pray outloud " God, pleeeeaase don't let our electricity go out"

6pmish- God answers my prayer with a resounding "Ha, No!" as the lights go off with a loud SNAP! I strongly suspect that He has decided that some lessons in patience, humility and gratitude far outweigh the temporary comforts of electricity.

6:15 - discover that the neighbors across the street still have their electricity. Ever since we moved into our home 7 years ago, the same 12 homes lose power anytime someone sneezes while the rest of the families in our little community have power. I try not to hate them.

7:30pm- have dragged out all the lanterns, candles and flashlights. We are prepared! I feel quite smug and know that I am the best mom in the entire world. ( well, except for the fact that I claimed the best lantern for myself which I feel a bit guilty about, but I AM the Queen PUBAH of my home after all!)

7:35 -husband and I decide to go ahead and go to bed ( operating on our favorite coping method of " just sleeping through the crisis")

Day 2
6:30 am - wake up to sound of hubby's annoying watch alarm after long night of no sleep. We had to sleep with the windows open do to the heat which set off hubby's allergies. He sneezed and blew his nose ALL NIGHT! I decide to vote him off the island. Light candles, turn on lanterns. Discover that kids have no school due to no electricity. Tell teenager who has already showered to go back to sleep.

7am- 10 year old z-man wakes up. I encourage him to go back to sleep. He won't hear of it.

7:01- z-man announces that he is booored. Brace myself for a loooong day ahead and pray to God for patience ( one of His ongoing goals for me, I believe)

8:30 - house is bombarded by 3 other 10 year old boys. They are quite loud at the prospects of a no school day ahead. Teenage daughter grumpily emerges from cave and yells at boys for being so loud.

8:35- I suggest that the boys go to one of their houses that actually has electricity. I had previously come to the conclusion that all the 10 year old boys within a mile radius of our home gather here because of the computers, wii and playstation. I was wrong. They want to stay here, despite our lack of gaming. I cannot fathom why they insist on staying here with a hormonally homicidal mother.

9:00 - boys play their 30th game of hide and go seek. Doors slam, boys shriek. After calmly asking them to go outside and play, I lose my patience ( I know, God,)and yell loudly " GO OUTSIDE, NOW!"

5pm- husband comes home after work. Announce that the electric company says we will have electricity in 4 more days. WHAT!!!!!!! Remind myself that at least we have a home and hot water and food. ( see God? I have gratitude!)

7:30- I head to bed again hoping to sleep through the next 4 days.

Day 3

Yippee!! kids have school. Look forward to quiet day ahead.

Enjoy a day of reading and yardwork uninterrupted by kids. Convince myself that this whole no electricity thing isn't so bad after all.

3:30 pm- kids come home. 10 year olds descend on house. Hide and go seek games begin. My hope fades.

6:45pm- It's already dark. I go to bed. Don't fall asleep for 4 hours, don't get up cuz what's the point?

Day 4

2 girl teens have picture day at school today. Insist on getting to school 30 minutes early to put on make-up and straighten hair. I don't understand why it should take that long since it only takes me 20 minutes from shower to ready to go. Make the mistake of passing on this observation to teens. Am met with rolling eyes.

I have now had 3 mornings without my early morning coffee. Order the Large coffee at the drive through. Pick up a couple of Dr. Peppers at the gas station. Days without electricity require vast quantities of caffeine. It's a scientific fact.

Day 5

Let me share some power outage tips:
1. when all lit, variety of scented candles produce a very nauseating stink.
2. Tapered candles give off best light
3. don't wait until day 4 to look for power generator. The other 200,000 people also still without electricity had the foresight to snatch them up on day 2.
4. libraries frown upon teenagers trying to charge their cell phones in the library bathroom.

I see fleets of electric trucks around the nearby city of Lancaster on way to school. Ask oldest daughter if she has a gun. Wonder if I can hijack an electric crew with a ball point pen.

8pm - electricity restored!!!!!!!! 10 year old immediately turns on tv to watch spongebob. Teens reconnect online. Hubby asks if I had cleaned out fridge of rotting food. Ummmm...I thought about it a couple of times, but kept putting it off. The stink that ememrges from the fridge gags the whole family including the poodle who likes to roll in her own poop. Family votes me off the island. I'm o.k. with that.

Oy, with the hurricanes, already!

This is the one time of year when I'm grateful to be tucked safely in the middle of the country. Other times of the year, I long to live in a cute little cottage along the shore in Maine, or own a cozy beachfront property along the gulf. I picture long days of collecting shells and sea glass, lounging and reading to the sound of waves breaking against the rocky shore.

But not this time of year. I may not have access to a beach or fresh seafood but I can be pretty sure that I don't have to worry about 25 foot waves crashing into my living room. For any of you who live on the east coast, I'm praying for your protection. And if you're reading this and don't believe in prayer, well then I can't help you, you're on your own.

I really wish they'd give up with naming the hurricanes with people names. I have a niece named Katrina. I don't imagine there are very many girls with that name now. Poor kid, from now on her name will immediately be associated with the most devastating hurricane in our country's history. I don't imagine she'll have it easy if she ever wants to get a job in New Orleans.

So I'm sitting here wondering ( because I have dishes to do and am stalling) WHO EXACTLY gets to name the hurricanes? I think I'll google it....BRB.

Oh how I love to Google. Look what I just learned...

There are actually six lists of names in use for storms in the Atlantic. These lists rotate, one each year; the list of this year's names will not be reused for six years. The names get recycled each time the list comes up, with one exception: storms so devastating that reusing the name is inappropriate. In this case, the name is taken off the list and another name is used to replace it; there will not be another Hurricane Andrew, because Andrew has been replace by Alex on the list.

Without further ado, here is the list of hurricane names for 2008:


Arthur
Bertha
Cristobal
Dolly
Edouard
Fay
Gustav
Hanna
Ike
Josephine
Kyle
Laura
Marco
Nana
Omar
Paloma
Rene
Sally
Teddy
Vicky
Wilfred



Wow! Cool! I did not know that! Best of luck to all of you with those names. May your name not become a historically, devastating hurricane. I think I'm safe with my name- Lennea. UNLESS, the hurricane namer is a frequent reader of this blog~ then I'm screwed. But since I stronly suspect that I'm the only one who reads this blog, I think my name will be ok although still unpronouncable my 99.9% of the general public.

O.K., let me just cut to the chase. I want to be the person that names hurricanes. AND I'll do it for FREE!

So, here's MY proposed list for 2009:

Amen!
Bam!
Crud!
Duuude!
Evildoer!
Fudge!
Gobsmacker!
Homewrecker!
Insurgent!
Jeesh!
Killmenow!
Liverspot!
MyGoodness!
Nutcraker!
OhNo!
Pestilence!
QueenBee!
Really??!
ShutUp!
Twister!
UhOh!
Vandal!
Whoa!

I mean, wouldn't you just love to hear Katie Couric say " and now more devastating news about Hurricane DUUDE..."

Why You should never get a White dog

BEFORE



AFTER

OY! WITH THE POODLE, ALREADY!

I got my first pair of Bifocals today

And now the world looks something like this.






Yup, yet another sign of my gradual decline as my body slowly succumbs to the aging process until I disappear completely from the planet.


The opthamologist calls is presbyopia. This is what WIKIPEDIA had so say about that.



"Presbyopia (Greek word "presbys" (πρέσβυς), meaning "old person") describes the condition where the eye exhibits a progressively diminished ability to focus on near objects with age. Presbyopia's exact mechanisms are not known with certainty, however, the research evidence most strongly supports a loss of elasticity of the crystalline lens, although changes in the lens's curvature from continual growth and loss of power of the ciliary muscles (the muscles that bend and straighten the lens) have also been postulated as its cause.

Similar to grey hair and wrinkles, presbyopia is a symptom caused by the natural course of aging. The first symptoms (described below) are usually first noticed between the ages of 40-50. The ability to focus on near objects declines throughout life, from an accommodation of about 20 dioptres (ability to focus at 50 mm away) in a child to 10 dioptres at 25 (100 mm) and leveling off at 0.5 to 1 dioptre at age 60 (ability to focus down to 1-2 meters only)."

Did I mention that I HATE WIKIPEDIA! Like, I get it already. I'm getting old. You don't have to be so BLUNT about it! GEEZ.

What I can't figure out is why the solution to my focusing problem is to have me wear a pair of glasses where the clear visual field is the size of pin head.

The good doctor says I should get used to them in a month or two. A MONTH OR TWO?? REALLY! ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? He doesn't even wear glasses. Isn't there some law that opthamologists must wear glasses - and not the kind for twenty somethings - the kind for OLD PEOPLE, like me? I would tell him all this except, did I mention that my eye doc. is REALLY good looking??? I mean, the type of good looking you only see on reality tv. For him, I'll give it a couple of months.

The Pop Tart Inquisition

If you live in a big family, especially one with 3 teenagers, then you know that food is a hot commodity.

I have very scientifically, with charts, complicated stats and a team from NASA determined the following shelf to stomach life of food in my household.

bag of chips - 3 hours

sugary cereal- 24 hours

fibery cereal - 3 years

oreo cookies - 5 minutes

anything chocolate - 24.2 seconds

can of green beans - 5 years and counting

pop tarts - 18 hours


As you can tell, anything with zero nutrition and 5 million grams of sugar per serving has the lowest shelf to stomach life.

Which is why, being the good mother that I am, my pantry is not always stocked with sugary, hyper-kid inducing foodstuffs. Living in such a household, you learn to eat the "good stuff" quickly and in abnormally large quantities, knowing that the early bird gets the pop tarts.

My husband and I of course HIDE any food we want to actually eat. ( which is why you'll occasionally find a snickers bar in the sock drawer). We don't feel guilty about this - we consider ourselves higher up in the food chain.

Anyway, this is just a long way of explaining the pop tart inquisition that took place in our home this morning ( ONCE AGAIN, BEFORE I WAS FULLY CAFFEINATED!)

teenager 2 - " WHO ATE ALL THE POP TARTS". THERE WERE FIVE POP TARTS IN THE BOX YESTERDAY!

"Z-MAN" ( poor guy, he gets blamed for everything) "DID YOU EAT ALL THE POP TARTS?"

z-man- ( cowering on the couch)" no, I only had one"

teenager 2- "HOW ABOUT ALL YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS?"

z-man - no, none of my friends ate any pop tarts ( which of course is a high crime in our home- you DON'T feed friends the good stuff)

teenager 2- "DAD????", "MOM?", "teenager 3?" WHO ATE ALL THE POP TARTS?

then, with the same look she used when she found out I had destroyed all her binkies when she was 2, she declared " IT WAS TEENAGER 1!!!! HE ATE ALL THE POP TARTS"

teenger 1 has already left for the bus and was therefore unable to defend himself - however having seen him consume and ENTIRE box of cocoa puffs in one sitting, I have suspicians myself.

Determined that justice must be done, teenager 2 proceeds to look for evidence of pop tarts ( wrappers, crumbs) in teenager 1's bedroom, under the bed, in the trash can...

No evidence of pop tart foul play is found.

Court proceedings will commence after school....

The invisible Zit

"I HAVE A ZIT!!!!!!

Yup, those were the first words my bleary ears ( yes, EARS can be bleary) heard out of the mouth of #2 teenager this morning. BEFORE I'VE HAD MY FIRST CUP OF COFFEE.

Now, my children have long known to avoid talking to their hormonally homicidal mother before she is fully caffeinated. They know, unless a limb is dangling by a thin piece of skin, to wait to converse with me until I have a bit of a coffee buzz.

Apparently, teenager#2 thinks having a zit ranks right up their with discovering someone has stolen your liver while you were sleeping.

Fortunately for her, she has caught me on one of those rarest of days when my adrenal gland is actually working and my brain has an adequate supply of serotonin. " I can do this" I think to myself. I can show my daughter motherly concern over her zit.

Me- "Let's take a look"

teenager- "It's right HERE!" pointing disgustedly to the side of her nose.

Me- " I don't see anything"

teenager-" sigghh... RIGHT HERE" ( more exaggerated pointing)

Me- "Let me turn on the light...bring your face closer...nope, I don't see anything"

At this point teenager rolls her eyes as only teenagers can do and stomps up to her room.

A few minutes later, she reappears and triumphantly proclaims that she has successfully covered up the gargantuan zit.

"Terrific" I say. "I don't see a thing" ( not to mention I didn't EVER see a thing).
Problem solved.

10 year old Z-man enters the room. to teenager- "EWWWW! You have a BIG ZIT on YOUR FACE!"

My heart warms. Awww... the love between siblings.