Complaint of the Day

The Complaint of the Day comes from no other than the Master Complainer...Z-MAN!!!! He gets extra points for originality, obscurity and leaving me with a loss of words.


From the Z-man:

"My bellybutton hurts"

What? How am I supposed to respond to that? Guess I'll have to google it...


Ugghhh! I should no better than to Google symptoms. Now I have to worry about THIS:


The main symptom of appendicitis is belly (abdominal) pain. The pain can feel like indigestion or like you need to have a bowel movement or pass gas. Many people feel the first pain near the belly button. Then it moves to the lower right side of the belly. But the pain can be in different parts of your belly or even on your side. The pain may get worse if you move, walk, or cough. You may also have a fever or feel sick to your stomach.

Many people who have had appendicitis say the pain is hard to describe. It may not feel like any pain you have had before. It may not even be a very bad pain, but you may feel like something is wrong. If you have moderate belly pain that does not go away after 4 hours, call your doctor. If you have severe belly pain, call your doctor right away.

I REALLY, REALLY am NOT in the mood for the z-man to have an appendicitis. God help us all if he ever needs any kind of surgery...

Turd Soup

I'm not sure I would read a post with this title- but I assure you, if you have read this far, no descriptive language will be used. So go ahead and eat that sandwich while you read.

So, anyone who has boys knows that they are FASCINATED with bodily functions. The funny sounds and things that come out of the body make up approximately 98% of a 7-12 year old boy's conversations. ( The other 2% involves ways of blowing up things)

Anyway, my 10 year old son is an absolute genius at coming up with phrases that evoke me to respond using his full name, ZANE KENNETH CLARK TRUESDELL!!!! while giving him "the look". "The look" given along with the full name uttered an octave below my normal speech is supposed to let him know that if I ever hear this offensive phrase again, my head will explode and he'll have to clean up the mess and will no longer enjoy the blessings of having the best mom in the whole world. However, this method rarely works and he will continue to use the offensive phrase until he's thought up a better ( and more disgusting) one.

The latest phrase is "turd soup". DISGUSTING! If he forgets something- "Oh, TURD SOUP", if he doesn't get his way - " Well, TURD SOUP". And since nothing is ever quite right in his world, we get to hear "Turd Soup"...23 times a minute.

So, I was shopping with the kids yesterday and just as I was ready to checkout, I realized I had forgotten an important item clear on the other side of the store and I say..." Oh, TURD SOUP!". Loud enough for ALL THREE KIDS to hear. I thought they were going to pee their pants from the laughing.

So what does every good mom do when she utters something not so wholesome? I apologize for using inappropriate language and take the opportunity to pull out lecture # 53 on how if you hear bad stuff from other people enough, it's bound to come out of your own mouth at some point which is why it's not ok for your friends to have bad language OR YOUR CHILDREN.

I'm sure I'll be hearing about this slip up at every family get together from now until eternity.

The master complainer

My youngest, the Z-man has always been a bit of a complainer and very dramatic. Thank goodness he's cute as a button and a super snuggler. Otherwise it would be pretty hard to laugh over the following:

Z-man's list of complaints this morning ( in a span of, I kid you not, five minutes)

1. I'm REEEEEAAALLLLY TIIRED and REEEEAAALLYY WEEEAAAK ( he's known to pull this one when he doesn't want to go to school- and I have to give him credit- it's nonspecific, a symptom of many different illnesses, impossible to disprove and allows for a "comeback" later in the day where he feels better to play playstation and Wii.

2. Something just STUNG my PINKY TOE! ( yup, my kids call their little toe a pinky toe and their big toes, thumb toes- drives me crazy.)

3. My belt's too long. ( the kid has a 4 inch waist, EVERY belts too long)

4. I can't find any socks to wear. ( funny, I found 5 of your socks under various pieces of furniture just yesterday)

5. I didn't get ANY sleep last night. ( yeah, well welcome to the club. I haven't had a good night's sleep since 1992)

6. I hate the zipper on my backpack. ( the same backpack you BEGGED my to get cuz your perfectly good backpack from last year isn't cool anymore???)

7. I'm having a bad hair day- it's REAALLY TALL - like a FOOT off my head. ( Not a problem, where's the clippers?)

8. I can't find my toothbrush. ( Now, this complaint's actually encouraging- it means, he does, on occasion BRUSH HIS TEETH!)

And that's why I'm the bestest mommy in the whole world. I listened to his whole tirade with motherly tsks, you'll be fines and grunts and DIDN'T LOSE MY TEMPER ONCE! Let's see Michael Phelps do THAT!

Pet Peeve no. 1

I fondly remember a 2 month period of time in my life when my hormones weren't making me crazy. During those blissful 2 months, I don't recall having any pet peeves. Stupid stuff just didn't bug me. My estrogen, progesterone, testosterone and brain chemicals were perfectly balanced. Other people weren't irritating planetary cohabitators consuming precious oxygen. That was back in 1979.

Then I got my period.

Since 1979 my number of pet peeves has increased gradually at times and exponentially when pregnant, post partum, and when I turned 35 at which time my number of PMSing days increased from 1 to 32.

Now, I have approx. 573 pet peeves. 1 of which I feel compelled to share with you today. AREN'T YOU JUST THE LUCKY ONE!

MY PET PEEVE #1:
1. Stupid people working the drive thru window at fast food "restaurants". Now, I am a reasonable person and realize that not every window worker has the IQ of a slug. I personally know 1 such worker that should be working for NASA.

Several times a week I go through the drive thru of a coffee place where the conversation inevitably goes something like this:

"May I take your ord" ( they always cut off too early)

"Yes, I'd like 1... honey wheat bagel... toasted with butter,... 1 cinnamon raison bagel... toasted with cream cheese,... 1 sausage breakfast sandwich,... 1 chocolate milk,... 2 apple juices,... 1 coffee with 2% milk,... 1 cream filled chocolate doughnut... and one chocolate glazed doughnut. ( hey, I have 4 kids)

" ummm, what did you want on your honey wheat bagel?"

" I want it toasted...with...butter."

"O.K., that's one honey wheat bagel toasted with butter, will there be anything else?"

Sigghhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

My child may starve today.

7:40 am. The kiddos are on their way to school with their dad which is about a 30 minute drive. The Z-man (10 year old son) just called in his most panicked voice "I FORGOT MY LUNCH!!!!!!!" I reply very kindly " No problem, just eat the school lunch". Z-man " BUT IT'S RAVIOOOOOLI!" in a whiny voice sure to shatter car windows within a mile radius. Me- " Well, I'm not making the hour round trip into school just to deliver your lunch, what with gas prices the way they are, I'd have to sell a kidney, not to mention I have more important things to do (like drink a few more cups of coffee and watch reruns of Spin City) than spend and hour delivering your lunch to school." Z-man " OK, THEN, BUT IM NOT EATING RAVIOLI, AND I'LL STARVE AND YOU DON'T EVEN CARE". Me- " well, my sweet child, if you're hungry enough, you'll eat it, I love you, have a good day, goodbye" Cuz I KNOW if I don't get off the phone NOW, his whining will get so loud, he'll shatter my ear drum.

Now, where's that sandwich he left in the kitchen- I'm hungry.

Welcome to Hormonally Homicidal

Frequently Asked Questions ( rather, questions I imagine I may be asked if this wasn't the first post and someone had actually visited this site)

Q: Have you actually ever killed anyone?
A: MUWahahahahahahahahah...no.

Q: Do you have plans to kill anybody?
A: No, but if you tick me off YOU'LL BE THE FIRST TO GO

Q: Why does blogland, which is already inundated with 300 million blogs need another blog?
A: Because no other blog represents the hormonal, angry, Christian wife, mother. You'll find blogs about parenthood, Christianity and hormones written by angry people BUT NOT usually in a one stop covers it all blog.

Q: You claim to be a Christian. Isn't one of the ten commandments THOU SHALT NOT KILL?
A: Let me clear this up once and for all. I HAVE NOT BEEN CHARGED CONVICTED of HOMICIDE.

Q: How many days of the month are you hormonally homicidal
A: 32

Q: I don't believe in all the PMS/ menopausal hype. I think it's just an excuse for my wife to act like a b***h 32 days a month.
A: Honey, get off the computer and go order take out. NOW!